Confession #5: I'm a Lover, Not a Fornicator.

This post is inspired by a Facebook status one of my friends posted circling the topics of abstinence and premarital sex. The following statements and my personal responses are not to debunk myths or stray people away from abstinence, but simply my take on the matter. I support people on any life choice they make, as long as they are not hurting themselves or anyone else in the process.

"[Fornication] is robbing the woman of her virginity and robs the man of inheriting an unspoiled wife."

It sounds like an objectification of the female body, even if it puts the wife on a pedestal. The term "inheriting" presents the woman as an object, and deems the marriage as a purchase of a woman, rather than a holy union between two loving individuals. In addition, if sex is not supposed to be important, and it should be the last thing on our minds, then why is a broken hymen (both figurative and literally) a dealbreaker in some of these unions? After seeing this statement, it helped me understand as to why in some wedding ceremonies, the priest (or justice of the peace) says "I now pronounce you man and wife" not "husband and wife". Only the woman's status has changed and it makes her disposable.

I can understand how 2,000 years ago, the idea of a woman with multiple sex partners would be a turn-off because they didn't have birth control back then, so a promiscuous woman was basically a Petri dish for multiple strains of semen. But today, with so many advances in health, there should be no excuse as to why people should not utilize contraception, man or woman.

Finally, a man who would turn a woman down for not being a virgin is no better than a man who turns a woman down for not having a big ass, big tits or other physical attributes. That is not love, let alone Christian love. Love cherishes and celebrates the whole of a person. Furthermore, the "spoiled" theme labels a woman as nothing more than a piece of meat who should only surrender herself to one predator, her husband. If I led a live of abstinence, I would prefer my husband to be abstinent as well, so it can be a new experience for both of us. Because otherwise, he's just taking my virginity just like anyone else did. He is not my lord, he is my king and I am his queen. We are life partners and it should not be centered around sex.

After you've slept with every Tom, Dick, Mary and Sue, what would be so special about having sex with your husband?

Since I'll be with him for the rest of my life, I won't have to use a condom with him. That'll be pretty different from my single life. Granted, if I've been with a partner for a long time, and we've both been tested, then I wouldn't have to use condoms with them either. But as I've mentioned before, marriage is more than a lifelong sex partner so our companionship will outweigh that anyway.

I'd be lying if I said physical intimacy isn't important to me. It is. I'm not a sex hound or anything, but I find comfort in knowing that my partner can stimulate me mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. All of those have to be in balance.

If they're a bad lover, you can just teach them.

I can teach, doesn't mean they'll actually improve. They can also not want to improve either, and that's not good either. Intimacy of any kind should be fulfilling for both parties.

With so much sex in the media, it's no wonder why people have multiple sexual partners, divorce rates are so high, and so many people are contracting HIV/AIDS.

The fault doesn't lie with the fact that people are having sex, it's the fact that they're not responsible with their sexuality. As I mentioned in my response to the actual Facebook status, the evil does not lie with the act of sex, it is the intentions behind the actions. If you engaged in sexual intercourse out of mutual desire (at the LEAST), mutual respect, was not intoxicated, then I do not see fault. However, if you raped them, engaged with them while they were under the influence of a drug, or simply because you wanted to prove something, then you're a hot mess, AT THE VERY LEAST.

Also, parents/guardians should have more in-depth conversations with their children about relationships. The "where-babies-come-from" lecture is OK at age six, but when they get older, parents should swallow their pride and at least warn their growing progeny about the emotional conflicts that may come with the exploration of their sexuality. They can't just protect their bodies, they have to protect their hearts as well. If the latter is done well, then the individual can avoid masking the pain by engaging in risky sexual behavior.

Divorce does not just come from adultery, it also comes from different outlooks on the future, domestic abuse, financial irresponsibility and other things. I know divorce is an option, but I hope when I get married, it will be my last option.

It is absolute statements such as abstinence which may turn some people off from the institution of religion. Rather than outcasting those who deviate from God's plan, why not help them? This is not directed to those who stand by their beliefs in abstinence, I applaud them for that. I'm talking to those who "judge so they themselves will not be judged." (Matthew 7:1) Before you preach to someone, ask yourself, "Am I doing this to help the person out, or am I just rattling off words from a book?" If it's the latter, then it's probably better if you reserve judgement until it's the former answer.

In addition, sexuality and spirituality is too polarized. It's either "good virgins" or "evil fornicators". What about those of us who explore our sexuality using protection? What about the single people who believe in monogamy? Do we get any credit for being responsible?