These past eight months, I've been searching for the right words, the right alliterations, the coquettish quips that could sum up the feelings that linger in my heart and my gut when it comes to interacting with my most recent ex, who I am cool with now. "Cool" meaning that I no longer want to punch him in the face when I see him.
But as you will see, no poem, no metaphor can encompass my entire emotional range concerning this matter.
This past summer, I rebuilt the spirit that had become crippled and warped after this break-up. I worked as a camp counselor, worked on my Japanese, escaped through video games and made this blog. After absolutely no contact with him all summer, I believed that I was ready to face him, because I remembered my purpose in college--to get my bachelor's degree and get the hell out and move on to the next stage in life. (There's a saying that goes like this: "I'm here to get my B.A., not my M.R.S.")
For the first month of school, I remembered. I was strong. I saw him dance with other chicks and I didn't care. He is single and free, but most importantly, so am I. I no longer feel obligated to be loyal to anyone.
However, the possibility of him liking someone...makes me very uncomfortable.
The main source of my immediate depression after the break-up was the plummet in my low self-esteem. Not understanding the outcome of what had just happened. I had done everything right--I was loyal, had interesting conversations, intelligent and an amazing lover. How could he not want me?
The answer: "I was not ready to settle." This was finally explained to me last week and I understood. He's a 19-year-old sophomore boy and I am a 20-year-old junior in college. Who in their right mind would be thinking to settle anyway? In addition, my aspirations to be an interpreter/translator as a day job would does not go hand-in-hand with a serious relationship, unless I'm looking for lots and lots of frustration. Which I don't need.
But the answer "I was not ready to settle" set me at ease. Now I know it definitely wasn't me. I know I did everything right. Yet now, it seems like he's feeling another girl and then the following question rises in my head: "Was he not ready to settle, or was he not ready to settle for me? Wait, what...?"
Suddenly envy fills me and should I be feeling this way? Why? He's not the first guy I've dated. This is not OK.
But it is.
***
You know what the definition of insanity is? Doing the same thing expecting a different result. I In this case, hanging out with him, keeping my heart at a distance, ignoring that it's still open. Allowing myself to be in situations where I can still get hurt. Ignoring that last year I invested so much time into the relationship. That I overlooked so many injurious flaws. The fact that I did most of the work when it came to keeping in contact. When it came to making plans. Overlooking when he made different plans but didn't tell me what was going on. Keeping me waiting. Accepting a rejected, recycled gift for Valentine's Day when I had gone out into Times Square on a rainy day to buy him a souvenir from my home area of New York.
It may sound like I'm being a martyr, but I'm not. I missed the luggage call at the Greyhound station in the Port Authority, got my Tims soaked and my phone messed up. Of course no one told me to do it. But I wanted to. I even enjoyed the journey. That's what a girlfriend does.
Right?
She stays loyal to him despite his faults, puts him before herself...right?
No.
That person was not me. And at the same time it was. What might've been choreographed actions, had pure intentions. Had I truly been myself, meaning had I had the guts to call him on his shit when he did something wrong, to trust my gut when I knew his feelings had changed, instead of waiting a week afterwards in denial. I think DENIAL sums up a good portion of what went wrong on my end.
I went out of my way to please him, not just because I loved him, but also because I wanted to prove that I could keep someone. Long-distance BF #1 said I complained too much when it came to keeping in touch. He even yelled at me a couple of times and it made me cry. The chemistry with BF #2 was crazy amazing. We were the yin-yang symbol in the form of intertwined black bodies, stimulating my spirit every second. But he was unstable, sliding in between happiness and depression. There were times I had to be strong for the both of us.
I told myself with BF #3, that this time around, I wouldn't push him too hard. That I would give him leeway. He was more stable than my last two. Don't push this one away. So what if he neglected to keep in contact with me, or only say "Same here" in response to my I-love-you's? I had someone. This is what it means to be accepting of "perfectly imperfect flaws".
No. It doesn't.
And I have to keep these things in mind before I decide to knock on his door to hang out on Friday nights. Yes, he is a good person--far from malicious. But so am I. I am a good person, and I don't deserve to put myself through pain to prove a point. The point that I can get over what happened. It's gonna take a while for me to do so.
There was even a joke I had for myself--I divided my college experience into two eras: "Before 'Jack'"(obvious name change is obvious) and "After 'Jack'". Like I had entered a time zone after the incident. This is sad, but cool enough, it leads into a question my father had for me:
"Thalia...before you met 'Jack', what were your plans? What were your dreams?"
I have a lot of them. I'll save a list for another time. All you need to know is that as I've stated before, NONE of them included a serious relationship. When I was in the relationship, I put my partner before myself. I was selfless and lost my self in the process.
Yet, my self is the one thing I cannot lose. My mind, my spirit--I can't give that up so easily. My mind, my spirit, my passion--is what got me into college. This is my future. I can't let anyone get in the way of that. Especially by someone who simply couldn't hang.
In order for me to truly get over this, I have to accept my feelings. Yes, I am much better than I was back then, but I don't wanna go back to that horrible place of despair. I need to love myself. Do things that bring me joy. Getting this degree and truly getting back into my writing will help me do that. Everything else will come in time.
Hopefully sooner rather than later. ;-)
