Announcement

Hey all. I will be taking an indefinite hiatus from this blog. Thanks for reading with me so far.

Love,

Thalia

Confession #7: It's Over.

These past eight months, I've been searching for the right words, the right alliterations, the coquettish quips that could sum up the feelings that linger in my heart and my gut when it comes to interacting with my most recent ex, who I am cool with now. "Cool" meaning that I no longer want to punch him in the face when I see him.

But as you will see, no poem, no metaphor can encompass my entire emotional range concerning this matter.

This past summer, I rebuilt the spirit that had become crippled and warped after this break-up. I worked as a camp counselor, worked on my Japanese, escaped through video games and made this blog. After absolutely no contact with him all summer, I believed that I was ready to face him, because I remembered my purpose in college--to get my bachelor's degree and get the hell out and move on to the next stage in life. (There's a saying that goes like this: "I'm here to get my B.A., not my M.R.S.")

For the first month of school, I remembered. I was strong. I saw him dance with other chicks and I didn't care. He is single and free, but most importantly, so am I. I no longer feel obligated to be loyal to anyone.

However, the possibility of him liking someone...makes me very uncomfortable.

The main source of my immediate depression after the break-up was the plummet in my low self-esteem. Not understanding the outcome of what had just happened. I had done everything right--I was loyal, had interesting conversations, intelligent and an amazing lover. How could he not want me?

The answer: "I was not ready to settle." This was finally explained to me last week and I understood. He's a 19-year-old sophomore boy and I am a 20-year-old junior in college. Who in their right mind would be thinking to settle anyway? In addition, my aspirations to be an interpreter/translator as a day job would does not go hand-in-hand with a serious relationship, unless I'm looking for lots and lots of frustration. Which I don't need.

But the answer "I was not ready to settle" set me at ease. Now I know it definitely wasn't me. I know I did everything right. Yet now, it seems like he's feeling another girl and then the following question rises in my head: "Was he not ready to settle, or was he not ready to settle for me? Wait, what...?"

Suddenly envy fills me and should I be feeling this way? Why? He's not the first guy I've dated. This is not OK.

But it is.

***

You know what the definition of insanity is? Doing the same thing expecting a different result. I In this case, hanging out with him, keeping my heart at a distance, ignoring that it's still open. Allowing myself to be in situations where I can still get hurt. Ignoring that last year I invested so much time into the relationship. That I overlooked so many injurious flaws. The fact that I did most of the work when it came to keeping in contact. When it came to making plans. Overlooking when he made different plans but didn't tell me what was going on. Keeping me waiting. Accepting a rejected, recycled gift for Valentine's Day when I had gone out into Times Square on a rainy day to buy him a souvenir from my home area of New York.

It may sound like I'm being a martyr, but I'm not. I missed the luggage call at the Greyhound station in the Port Authority, got my Tims soaked and my phone messed up. Of course no one told me to do it. But I wanted to. I even enjoyed the journey. That's what a girlfriend does.

Right?

She stays loyal to him despite his faults, puts him before herself...right?

No.

That person was not me. And at the same time it was. What might've been choreographed actions, had pure intentions. Had I truly been myself, meaning had I had the guts to call him on his shit when he did something wrong, to trust my gut when I knew his feelings had changed, instead of waiting a week afterwards in denial. I think DENIAL sums up a good portion of what went wrong on my end.

I went out of my way to please him, not just because I loved him, but also because I wanted to prove that I could keep someone. Long-distance BF #1 said I complained too much when it came to keeping in touch. He even yelled at me a couple of times and it made me cry. The chemistry with BF #2 was crazy amazing. We were the yin-yang symbol in the form of intertwined black bodies, stimulating my spirit every second. But he was unstable, sliding in between happiness and depression. There were times I had to be strong for the both of us.

I told myself with BF #3, that this time around, I wouldn't push him too hard. That I would give him leeway. He was more stable than my last two. Don't push this one away. So what if he neglected to keep in contact with me, or only say "Same here" in response to my I-love-you's? I had someone. This is what it means to be accepting of "perfectly imperfect flaws".

No. It doesn't.

And I have to keep these things in mind before I decide to knock on his door to hang out on Friday nights. Yes, he is a good person--far from malicious. But so am I. I am a good person, and I don't deserve to put myself through pain to prove a point. The point that I can get over what happened. It's gonna take a while for me to do so.

There was even a joke I had for myself--I divided my college experience into two eras: "Before 'Jack'"(obvious name change is obvious) and "After 'Jack'". Like I had entered a time zone after the incident. This is sad, but cool enough, it leads into a question my father had for me:

"Thalia...before you met 'Jack', what were your plans? What were your dreams?"

I have a lot of them. I'll save a list for another time. All you need to know is that as I've stated before, NONE of them included a serious relationship. When I was in the relationship, I put my partner before myself. I was selfless and lost my self in the process.

Yet, my self is the one thing I cannot lose. My mind, my spirit--I can't give that up so easily. My mind, my spirit, my passion--is what got me into college. This is my future. I can't let anyone get in the way of that. Especially by someone who simply couldn't hang.

In order for me to truly get over this, I have to accept my feelings. Yes, I am much better than I was back then, but I don't wanna go back to that horrible place of despair. I need to love myself. Do things that bring me joy. Getting this degree and truly getting back into my writing will help me do that. Everything else will come in time.

Hopefully sooner rather than later. ;-)

Confession #6: I Don't Hate The Players, I Hate The Game. With A Passion.

The title of this post also serves as the disclaimer. For clarity, I'll assume the statement/fact-response format as I did last time. No homo. Yeah, that last statement was unnecessary, right? Tongue-in-cheek. Maybe you'll get the point.

Justin Bieber was nominated for the Best New Artist Award during the BET Awards 2010.

BET, really? Really? You couldn't find a more suitable candidate for this award? Are your credentials and ratings so far down the drain that you had to nominate Justin Bieber?

Before we start pulling out the obvious cards, this is not a matter of race. We've had Robin Thicke and Justin Timberlake nominated for R&B awards and they're decent artists, relevant to our demographics. Not once have I heard a Bieber track on any urban radio station and it's TOO obvious that Justin Bieber was nominated in order to draw a younger white audience. That decision was transparent. If the goal was to nominate someone white in order to draw ratings, then why not nominate Lady Gaga? She has a fan base that spans across race and gender not only in this country, but around the world. Plus, she has shown exceptional skills in her songwriting, vocals, dancing, and overall performance. Lady Gaga may be a 2000s version of Madonna, but at least she is doing something to stand out in what I believe has become a very boring pop music scene in America. I personally don't listen to Z100 or other Top 40 stations that much because everyone sounds the same to me.

It is transparent moves such as the one stated above that proves time and time again that American music is all about the bestselling product instead of the art. The recording artists aren't truly nurtured anymore, their craft not given time to grow. Ever since the birth of the mega ringtone, it's very rare to find an album that is decent, if not stellar in its entirety. Some albums are good for just the two singles and then the rest of the album is filler.

*Insert disparaging comment about urban music*

I'd be hypocritical if I cursed the hip-hop I hear today. You know the songs I'm talking about--"Lemonade". "All The Way Turnt Up." Those who demean the party songs are just as ignorant as those who demean the alternative, "conscious" music. For the record, I really hate the term "conscious" rap. I like to believe that all musicians are conscious of the music they put out, whether it is deep and lyrical or shallow and bass-bumping. I believe the best result is to recognize both sides of the coin, and be mature enough to know the difference. (But I'll save that for another post before I go off on a rant.)

Every era of music--the jazz era, the rock n' roll and glam rock era--have all had their share of deep ballads and what would be the equivalent to "pulp fiction". A good example of this is KISS' song "I Wanna Rock and Roll All Night". The title of the song of course, serves as the hook, then goes on to say "and party every day." Surely, this is not a moral we would like to teach to the American youth, yes? But in my lifetime, I have not heard anyone say ANYTHING about that song and other rock classics like it, even though those songs are featured on Guitar Hero, a game that the American youth has open access to. Nor should anything be said about those songs. There are just moments when you just wanna not worry about shit and have fun.

Kanye West's new video, "Power", proves that he is part of the Illuminati.

...I am getting really tired of rumors circulating the Illuminati and the music industry. This is worse fear-mongering than the War on Terror. It seems to me that any urban music video that doesn't feature voluptuous video vixens, dollar bills in the air or men exercising their hyper-masculinity and frivolity--automatically falls under the category of Satan.

It is no surprise that the following artists that have been named as Illuminati--Kanye, Jay-Z and Rihanna--have popped up more than anything when it comes to the secret society. I can understand why this group gets so much negative attention. I mean, it wouldn't be a good look for anyone to worship Satan. All joking aside, he's not a good guy.

But the funniest thing about the paranoid comments you see on YouTube about the "signs" and "symbols" they point out is this: if you are so against Satan, then how do you know all of his symbols? As I mentioned in Confession #2, when people are so repulsed by something, they avoid it at all costs. You're wasting time and energy researching (if you can call it research) something that you don't even wish to be a part of, while the artists in question are focused on getting that money and fulfilling their goal.

And as an added note, I've watched the videos in question--"Power", "On To The Next One" and "Rock Star 101" and I've had no inclination to worship the devil. Thank you very much.

The UK appreciates a much wider variety of music than the US does. They have better taste.

Yes, the UK is ahead of their time, but that's also because they're ahead in history. The United Kingdom (and Europe in general) has been around for many centuries, and therefore has had more time to develop their culture and art. So considering that the United States as a nation is only 234 years old, compared to the UK's long history, we're in the medieval times relatively speaking.

In my opinion a lot of it also has to do with the fact that there isn't as much support in America for the arts as there is in Europe. America was founded on the ideals of freedom, but it is now only based on capitalism and profit. So it's not about what will last over time, but what will last as long as it can.

Author's note (8/25/2010): I apologize on the relative lateness and terseness of this post compared to last month. It was spaced over a period of two weeks compared to a few days. I have been working on getting back to school and all that good stuff, so I regret I can not give you my "final thought" as I usually do. Considering the hectic schedule I have, I will do my best to make two to three posts a month. Thank you for reading with me so far.

Confession #5: I'm a Lover, Not a Fornicator.

This post is inspired by a Facebook status one of my friends posted circling the topics of abstinence and premarital sex. The following statements and my personal responses are not to debunk myths or stray people away from abstinence, but simply my take on the matter. I support people on any life choice they make, as long as they are not hurting themselves or anyone else in the process.

"[Fornication] is robbing the woman of her virginity and robs the man of inheriting an unspoiled wife."

It sounds like an objectification of the female body, even if it puts the wife on a pedestal. The term "inheriting" presents the woman as an object, and deems the marriage as a purchase of a woman, rather than a holy union between two loving individuals. In addition, if sex is not supposed to be important, and it should be the last thing on our minds, then why is a broken hymen (both figurative and literally) a dealbreaker in some of these unions? After seeing this statement, it helped me understand as to why in some wedding ceremonies, the priest (or justice of the peace) says "I now pronounce you man and wife" not "husband and wife". Only the woman's status has changed and it makes her disposable.

I can understand how 2,000 years ago, the idea of a woman with multiple sex partners would be a turn-off because they didn't have birth control back then, so a promiscuous woman was basically a Petri dish for multiple strains of semen. But today, with so many advances in health, there should be no excuse as to why people should not utilize contraception, man or woman.

Finally, a man who would turn a woman down for not being a virgin is no better than a man who turns a woman down for not having a big ass, big tits or other physical attributes. That is not love, let alone Christian love. Love cherishes and celebrates the whole of a person. Furthermore, the "spoiled" theme labels a woman as nothing more than a piece of meat who should only surrender herself to one predator, her husband. If I led a live of abstinence, I would prefer my husband to be abstinent as well, so it can be a new experience for both of us. Because otherwise, he's just taking my virginity just like anyone else did. He is not my lord, he is my king and I am his queen. We are life partners and it should not be centered around sex.

After you've slept with every Tom, Dick, Mary and Sue, what would be so special about having sex with your husband?

Since I'll be with him for the rest of my life, I won't have to use a condom with him. That'll be pretty different from my single life. Granted, if I've been with a partner for a long time, and we've both been tested, then I wouldn't have to use condoms with them either. But as I've mentioned before, marriage is more than a lifelong sex partner so our companionship will outweigh that anyway.

I'd be lying if I said physical intimacy isn't important to me. It is. I'm not a sex hound or anything, but I find comfort in knowing that my partner can stimulate me mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. All of those have to be in balance.

If they're a bad lover, you can just teach them.

I can teach, doesn't mean they'll actually improve. They can also not want to improve either, and that's not good either. Intimacy of any kind should be fulfilling for both parties.

With so much sex in the media, it's no wonder why people have multiple sexual partners, divorce rates are so high, and so many people are contracting HIV/AIDS.

The fault doesn't lie with the fact that people are having sex, it's the fact that they're not responsible with their sexuality. As I mentioned in my response to the actual Facebook status, the evil does not lie with the act of sex, it is the intentions behind the actions. If you engaged in sexual intercourse out of mutual desire (at the LEAST), mutual respect, was not intoxicated, then I do not see fault. However, if you raped them, engaged with them while they were under the influence of a drug, or simply because you wanted to prove something, then you're a hot mess, AT THE VERY LEAST.

Also, parents/guardians should have more in-depth conversations with their children about relationships. The "where-babies-come-from" lecture is OK at age six, but when they get older, parents should swallow their pride and at least warn their growing progeny about the emotional conflicts that may come with the exploration of their sexuality. They can't just protect their bodies, they have to protect their hearts as well. If the latter is done well, then the individual can avoid masking the pain by engaging in risky sexual behavior.

Divorce does not just come from adultery, it also comes from different outlooks on the future, domestic abuse, financial irresponsibility and other things. I know divorce is an option, but I hope when I get married, it will be my last option.

It is absolute statements such as abstinence which may turn some people off from the institution of religion. Rather than outcasting those who deviate from God's plan, why not help them? This is not directed to those who stand by their beliefs in abstinence, I applaud them for that. I'm talking to those who "judge so they themselves will not be judged." (Matthew 7:1) Before you preach to someone, ask yourself, "Am I doing this to help the person out, or am I just rattling off words from a book?" If it's the latter, then it's probably better if you reserve judgement until it's the former answer.

In addition, sexuality and spirituality is too polarized. It's either "good virgins" or "evil fornicators". What about those of us who explore our sexuality using protection? What about the single people who believe in monogamy? Do we get any credit for being responsible?

Confession #4: I Wish It Was Obama Night Again

On November 4, 2008, I was in "A-House" at my college, watching the play-out of the 2008 presidential elections. The whole world watched, but this meant a lot of me as a black, female college student. This was the first election I had ever voted in, and never before had me and my peers been so passionate about politics. We recounted the days when we were powerless teenagers and children, witness to our parents' lamenting over the re-election of Bush, and cringing at his malapropisms. I went with some college friends to Lorain, OH for early voting and we had a ball. I gave my vote to Ohio because it was the swing state and they needed my vote more than New Jersey did. (The day New Jersey becomes a "red" state is the day I never return.)

But on November 4th, after California locked in their results, and we saw Barack Obama elected as President, we all lost our minds. All of South Campus could hear us as we ran through the hallways and out to the patio, screamed "Yes We Can" at the top of our lungs, popped of fireworks, and fell into each other's arms in joyful tears. Many people got high that night, and walked around South Bowl in an elated daze.

On North Campus, a circle of joined hands formed in North Quad and people sang in a vigil before heading off to Tappan Square for the obligatory naked streak. The band from the Conservatory marched over the the gazebo and improvised what could've been "When The Saints Go Marching In," but who the hell knows? All I know is that student bodies, both naked and clothed, paraded the streets in joy, unified as one. For the next couple of days, we salutated each other with smiles and believed everything would be OK.

****

I'm not going to go into the politics of the election, because I think you understand my allegiance to my President. But what I will say is that I yearn for the spirit of that night to course through us again. Not just people at my school, but everybody.

My school claims to be progressive, but everyone has the same idea. Those of us who are especially privileged, have fallen into the apathetic attitude that everything is OK in our little bubble and that there should be nothing to complain about. We have a "diverse" population--which is a completely sarcastic statement. Black students only make up 6% of the student body. The largest minority are the Chinese nationals in the Conservatory.

We attempted to soften the elitist mentality that exists in selective institutions of higher learning by instating the "cultural diversity" requirement. The CD requirement is easy to earn, which is hard to understand. Basically, if you take a foreign language class, an ethnomusicology class or anything that is not Eurocentric, you have fulfilled the CD requirement. In my opinion, it is a shallow concept of diverse learning, like the International Expo everyone did in middle school.

In the Diversity Forum, we came together to discuss these issues, and yet I have never seen us so divided. Beneath the liberal veneer, lies a collective of cynics and ignorants, mostly viewed on our anonymous forum website. In this cyberspace cesspool, people become racist trolls, attempt Craiglist-style hookups, or drawn-out flame matches about folly of mainstream mentality.

The bottom line is, that we've fooled ourselves into thinking there's nothing to fight for anymore. That's there's nothing to be excited about. Our intellect makes us ignorant to the problems of the real world, and our "fearless" mantra fools us into thinking that with a wave of our wands, we can change the world and everyone will think like us. I believe that to be truly fearless does not mean making other people feel inferior to you by broadcasting your elite education. It does not mean doing onto the conservatives as they have done to you--shoving your ideals down their throat until they throw them back up in your face. It means holding onto your ideas without even in the midst of contradiction.

But we do not think about that. We think fearless means to say whatever pops into your head and going down to A-House (stands for Afrikan Heritage House, by the way) to try the soul food dinner, but not attending any of the other events. To broadcast your opinion at the expense of other's comfort, instead of expressing your opinion despite your own discomfort. It just feels like to me that Obama Night was the only night that I felt the liberal activist's vibe I heard so much about. We voted and celebrated because we were looking forward to our future. The future looked bright, because he made many promises and they seemed feasible. But now that we remember he is a politician, he curse him for not making this country do a complete 180. That night was beautiful, but we can still carry that ideal of hope and compassion in our daily lives.

If the government's so bad as we say it is, then we shouldn't depend on it for our optimism. Everyday should be Obama Night.

And to all the haters, let's keep it real. The President is Black, but the House is still White. But it's up to you to make sure everything's all right.

Confession #3: Keep At Least One Relationship Clean

I've been working on a novel for the past three years now called Blood Addicts. It's an urban drama about two twin sisters who become assassins for their godfather (no pun intended) after witnessing the death of their mother. Besides the twins, other principal characters include the godfather, Milo Ochoa and his co-captain, Magali D'Ivresse. Milo met Magali while going on a job for his father while vacationing in his hometown of Santo Domingo. After she proved her allegiance to him during a dangerous run-in with a shifty dealer from Colombia, they have been inseparable ever since.

(If you'd like to see the chapter, here is the link: http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2251245/6/Blood_Addicts. Shameless plugs FTW! There'll be a lot more of them!)

So far, I have received one review for Blood Addicts and it goes as follows:

Hello. I read your forum post on . I really love your story. It's so good. I think Milo Magali should get together. And make some babies LOL. I think you should post your story on . The site is based on African-American females as the main characters in fanfiction. A lot of the stories are about interracial couples but I think your story would fit in just fine. I can't wait for the next chapter! Peace.

No doubt, I've considered making Milo and Magali an item. He's Dominican, she's Haitian, their homelands share an island--they're like Bonnie and Clyde anyway. But there are some things, such as Magali's illness, which complicates the prospect of them being in a relationship. And...their relationship goes a little deeper than something out of physical or sexual attraction. I plan to make note of the subtle eroticism that lies in their relationship later on in the novel. Erotic, in this case means a "spiritual love", not sexual.

My hope is to emphasize that just because Milo is a gangster, does not mean that he sleeps with any girl he gets--as a matter of fact, Milo is rather conservative after growing up with riches his entire life. Therefore, he does not feel he has to dabble in groupies, excessive clothing and jewelry and other things. The same thing with Magali. She is the queen, therefore she is treated as such. She is not the "bottom bitch", she is the "only bitch" for lack of a better word.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is, I wish when it came to urban dramas, that the male protagonist would show more allegiance with their female partner. Too many times the "main woman" has to tolerate her man sleeping around. Yes, "fucking" is different from "making love", but he should only have eyes, lust and love for you. It's OK to be attracted to someone, but it doesn't mean you can just go off and sleep with them, especially when you're already with somebody. If that's the case, why not stay single and have sex with whomever you please without hurting anybody? (Especially if you use a condom. These days, there are no excuses as to why condoms can't be worn. "Fire & Ice". That's all I'm saying.) Because in my opinion, they just keep their main woman as a trophy...silent and on reserve for when they truly wish to claim her and only her.

In addition, for those protagonists who do delve into crime...it would be much wiser to keep at least one relationship clean, especially the one with your romantic partner at the time. In an underworld where jaded alliances can be broken at any minute, keep the relationship of love clean. Because if you don't have that, then you have no safe place to go to...and everything else is meaningless.

Confession #2: Martin Ssempa Eats Da Poo Poo

The blatant title is the source of a ridiculously blatant hate speech performed by Ugandan pastor Martin Ssempa. Known by the worldwide YouTube community as "Eat Da Poo-Poo", Ssempa does a presentation of "what gay people do in the privacy of their bedrooms", in hopes of turning even more Ugandans against the LGBT community. The presentation is chockful of hysterics, simmers with fundamentalist Christian ideals and sprinkled with pictures of gay porn as Ssempa describes the act of annilingus, or anal-licking. By the end of the two-minute clip, we don't know whether to laugh at his hysterics, pity his ignorance, or cry in shame of the hate our African brothers and sisters hold in their hearts.

At first glance, we laugh. But those of us who choose to watch the entire 40-minute documentary about the anti-gay bill in Uganda end up doing all three. To make a long story short, Uganda proposed the "Anti-Homosexuality Bill", which would drastically raise the penalties for sodomy. Instead of imprisonment and/or exorbitant fines, the accused and most likely convicted would face either life imprisonment, or if they are repeat offenders--death.

Like in most African countries, the LGBT community has always faced some stigma, and there is always denial that such cultures existed before the arrival of the Europeans. Yet, they are wrong. In tribes such as the Hausa, it was common for some men to not only perform the domestic duties of women, but also them to be sold as male prostitutes. Male homosexual activity was considered to be normal in adolesecence and preadolescence.

These societal practices were considered normal until the arrival of the European missionaries. So if anything, the Europeans taught that homosexuality was wrong, not right and history is repeating itself. As mentioned before, there was always stigma against the LGBT community in modern Uganda, but it got worse when white American Evangelicals such as Rick Warren went to Kampala (the nation's capital) to preach "pro-family" values, which usually translates as "anti-gay". Ever since then, it has become a witch hunt. There are newspapers, such as The Red Pepper, which are dedicated to outing gays and subjecting them to harrassment from their neighbors.

Fortunately, the bill was recommended for removal, thus ending the pending genocide against LGBT Ugandans, the last thing the African continent needs. The supporters of this bill claim that this bill would also protect people against HIV/AIDS, because of the common misconception that gay men spread the disease. Well, it's very hard for them to get treatment if they can't admit their sexual orientation in public, now can they? How can those LGBT people seek treatment if they can't reveal their sexual history? Not to mention that most HIV patients are women, and they get it from rape.

****

What kills me more than anything is that a huge percentage of the anti-gay population in Uganda are those aged 18-25, which is my age group. It's like Bizarro World. Yes, there are some fucked up issues with gay marriage here, but as far as I know, the government would not past such a genocidal law. I'll put it to you like this--I go to a private, liberal arts school, where we hold events such as Safer Sex Night and Drag Ball. If those students came to my school, they'd either faint from shock, try to kill us, or we'd kick them off campus because we don't go for that. At least the surrounding conservative areas have the decency to jeer at us from afar.

AND...obviously, not all gay men perform anal licking. Straight people do anal-licking as well. There's LOT OF STUFF that straight people do that gay people would deem disgusting and wrong (Cunniligus, fellatio, donkey punch, etc.). I would love to see a gay person do a parody of Ssempa's speech titled, "Don't drink da jizz juice." Seriously. But I do not eat da poo poo. I most definitely will not eat the hate speech poo-poo or any other poo-poo like it.

I could go for the obvious and say Ssempa's the one who eats da poo-poo because we all know those who scream "NO HOMO" are nine times out of ten HOMO. This has happened many times over. But I will say that he and all those follow him, not just Ugandans, but anyone who harbors hatred against LGBT people...they eat da poo poo of the fundamentalist Christians, the Evangelicals and those who simply have nothing better to do. I love my LGBT friends simply because I do, and I could not imagine them being ripped away from me.

And usually, those who are repulsed by something, they avoid it completely. Ssempa went headfirst when he looked for the gay porn for his presentation. That's all I'm saying. Hopefully people like him will come to the light and see that Christianity isn't about hate, it's about love. Stop making my religion look bad and stop corrupting my fellow African people.